WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
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what it’s like dating me:
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
saw this in a dream
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Erm…
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
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Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
“work hard so your future self can live a good life”
pfft, what has he ever done for me?
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
[Bethsaida 28 AD]
BAKER: Such a huge crowd…I’m gonna sell so many loaves
“Five loaves please”
BAKER: Huh?
“Jesus is here”
BAKER: Sonuva
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.