If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
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My strong stance on drinking milk straight from the carton has met with no opposition from people who haven’t caught me yet.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
I do my deepest thinking when I can’t figure out why someone honked at me.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
who did the taste test?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
*parks outside your house*
*holds up pepperoni pizza*
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
mariah carrie
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
[First date]
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m a florist”
WHY DON’T YOU LIKE THE FLOOR? WHAT HAS IT DONE TO YOU, IS IT BECAUSE IT’S LAVA?