Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
Playing ‘chef’ with my 7yo, he poured me an imaginary beer and said “the beer is always free here,” in case you’re looking for the best make-believe restaurant in town.
me: [makes a wish and blows out the candles]
guy sacrificing a goat: [massaging his temples] who invited this guy
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Reasons I put my kids to bed on time:
3) They need their rest.
2) Routine is important.
1) “Game of Thrones” is on.
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
Benoit Blanc: So this baloney of yours, does it have a first name? Could you be so kind as to spell it?
Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
[Job interview]
Me: I can always anticipate what people are going to say next
Interviewer: And what would you say is your greatest streng- oh holy shit
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Another exciting afternoon in Cheltenham…
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.