@DickKingSmith: Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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@AbbyHasIssues: This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
@JElvisWeinstein: They're calling the Patriot thing "Deflategate?" I was hoping they'd go with "Ball-o-caust."
@Tmoney68: "If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you." - Philosophical soup kitchen chef
@JamieGreenlees: If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I'd choke to death swallowing it.