@DickKingSmith: Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
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@uMakeMeBad: At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
@danabrit: I'm writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
@theshamingofjay: A soft drink is just a drink that needs a minute. Just give it a minute, this has never happened to it before.
@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Sir... I know, I know. Why is my dog dri- Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING I threw the ball too far during fetch Cop: Fair enough