Operator: 911
Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?
O: Relax sir, is this her first born?
Me: No, this is her husband.
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People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: I’ve got a 12 pack in the fridge
Him: Toss me a cold one
*Lettuce and cheese fly everywhere as the taco hits him square in the chest*
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off