I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
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I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
Adulthood is almost as fun as a piñata full of wasps
Clients after you give them your rates
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
“ONLY 90s KIDS WILL GET THIS” I say loudly as I gesture towards my crotch
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
*offers Batman cough drops*
I only sleep on one side of my bed because the clean laundry sleeps on the other.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Facebook’s forever reminding me about people’s birthdays like I sell cakes😒😒.
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
I have nothing positive to report.
Except that roadside drug test.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
CANADIAN: Let’s watch a movie
AMERICAN: Have you seen Titanic?
CANADIAN: What’s that about?
AMERICAN: Yes, it was. A huge one that sank
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole