Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
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things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
ME: All my life I’ve been judged. Quit doing drugs! Don’t sleep around!
JUDGE: We have the murder weapon.
ME: Again, with the judging.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
[at a restaurant]
SERVER: We have several sides you can choose from.
ME: I’m not comfortable picking sides.
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”