Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
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Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
beauty:
beast:
beauty: *sips tea*
beast: *sips tea*
beauty:
beast:
beauty: was this inside mrs. potts—
beast: you know I’ve been too scared to ask
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
Serena Williams just thanked Me! You’re welcome, Serena! That’s what I do all day! Decide the winner of women’s tennis matches!!!
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
*Turns on work computer*
*Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately locks computer as it’s now lunchtime*
*Logs back into computer. Enters Username and Passwords for 43 various programmes and immediately closes down computer as it’s time to go*
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
Bakers who don’t wear underwear are going commandough
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
それは草
Sometimes, when I’m doing dishes, I’ll just start flinging them towards the cabinets and get mad when it doesn’t work out like it does in cartoons.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Your Czech is in the mail.
-Mail order brides