Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
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My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
me: *installs app that vibrates phone whenever I’m owned online*
wife: do you hear bees
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
[bedtime]
SON: Can you leave the light on?
ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?
SON: What?
ME: What?
I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.
But, yeah, let me raise two kids.
Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
i dont have time for this
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
My 2024 goal is just to make sure the aliens know I’m on their side.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
She believed me when i said concentration camps were for people with Attention Deficit Disorder.