Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
You’ll be able to find love if you’re a good person, but first your parents need to die.
-Disney
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Hate when you’re trying to take a nap and the dentist is all “Please open your mouth.”
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
Therapist: So you’re sheltering in place..?
Me: Yes but when I have to go out, there’s always some weirdo who won’t let me social distance
Husband: I thought we agreed no name-calling