@McNarstle: Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who's dating your ex.
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@Chelsea_Elle: I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
@MattMcGruff: Officer- I'm giving you a ticket for your speed Me- That's heroin Officer-... Me- Want some? Officer-... Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Two fingers here. Son: OK. M: One in the other hole. S: Got it. M: Relax your wrist. Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM? M: Bowling. Chill.
@possibilyss: In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me