Catch a baby opossum, give it a 12-hr sedative, and hide it in the glove compartment of the car of the person who’s dating your ex.
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Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
Small ad: Discreet chicken road-crossing service. No questions asked.
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
I lost an ibuprofen under my dresser a week ago and now I’m worried the spiders are coming after me with no headaches and renewed vigor.
me: why aren’t you eating your breakfast?
3: it smells hot
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Land animals by legs:
0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
Trying to sound casual. Yes just message me when you set off whenever. I’m not running around like a headless chicken trying to make my house look like it hasn’t exploded honest.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!