Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
“Sure Chief, you can join us for dinner this year. But in the future, you’re gonna need reservations.”
-Pilgrims, at the first Thanksgiving
Currently at a pumpkin farm that has 800 activities for kids & zero alcohol for parents.
What level of hell is this?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
police bust open my trunk. it’s full of potatoes. i’ve done nothing wrong.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
This kinda thing happens to me often
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: attention passengers is anyone here a doctor
PASSENGERS: sorry no
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: um ok then is anyone here a pilot
I’m getting really fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £12 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.