Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
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Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
“My dog’s learning to speak a foreign language.”
“Español?”
“No, he’s a labrador.”
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
I’ll marry your mom just so I can ground you
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
If you watch The Wizard Of Oz backwards it’s about a girl who escapes a lying oppressor and her subsequent journey to colour blindness.
Her dating profile: If my dog doesn’t like you we can’t be together 😤😋
Lady, I’m not gonna hang out around a dog that doesn’t like me anyway
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus