“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
My 6yr old keeps dropping her popsicle on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I rinse it off and she gets mad that the water made it a bit smaller and then she drops it on the floor and I…
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
I’m used to my kid bursting into the bathroom with random objects but I had to draw the line today at bringing in binoculars and her cousin.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
1. Lemon
2. Ice
3. MeThings my wife doesn’t want in cider
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I just shaved so now my jeans finally fit again
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop