“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
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*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
*first day working the gas pumps*
Me: ‘Paper or plastic?’
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
ME: [ties a persons shoes together and then runs away] Haha
PERSON: [puts on worlds fastest potato sack racer hat]
ME: Oh no shit shit shit
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who