Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
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“Who puts ugly pictures of someone on a missing poster? I’ll tell you who. My MOM. That’s who.”
~ The Best Testimony I’ve Ever Heard in Person
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Time estimates:
“Give me one sec” – Within the hour
“I’ll be one minute” – An hour or two
“I’m on it” – Maybe today
“In a bit” – Sometime this week
“It’s on my list” – Perhaps this month
“Leave it with me” – Possibly never
“If I have time” – Never
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
$175 an hour, $175 an hour…
– my therapist’s notes
A public stoning, but it’s just a group of people throwing donut holes at me
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
judge: please, rephrase the question
yoda lawyer:
People buying plungers never look happy.
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
Who needs whips and chains? Christian should have had Ana read Fifty Shades of Grey if he wanted to torture her.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Dog Teacher: did you finish your homework
Dog Student: (still chewing) almost
ROMEO:But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks?
ME:Well if you’d just sod off like I asked, I wouldn’t have to throw lamps at you.