“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
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I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
I guess my least favorite author is probably Hitler
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..
There’s no need to use military time with me. I’m pretty sure I won’t show up for the pizza party at 5 am, ya nerd.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
Don’t post your New Year’s resolutions to social media. Two months from now, when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Cheetos, you don’t need anyone asking you how marathon training is going.
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂