I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
You Might Also Like
So many people say they love their Roomba, but you never see them set it free.
My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.
I’m impressed.
They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Girl at engineering school: I’m like the single-most clumsy person
[5 male engineering students emerge from bushes]
“Did you say single?”
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
The Razzi family had more family photographs than any other family.
All thanks to the dad.
Papa Razzi.
Goodnight everyone
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Technically, a millennial is anyone who had to learn cursive but never had to use it.
Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.