“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
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Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes
My brother-in-law: what’s your kittens names?
My 10yo: Jinx and Jingles.
BIL: Which one is the black one?
10yo: that one. *points to black kitten*
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Taco bell – when you want your guts rearranged at 2am and have nobody to text
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
Staples is attempting a hostile takeover
of its rival Office Depot.Office Depot has retaliated by
snapping rubber bands at Staples.