*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
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Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Her: Who’s your favourite character in the Muppet Show?
Me: The vampire
Her: He doesn’t count
Me: I can assure you that he does
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
So much gross product placement in THE SHINING. It’s like, fine, I’ll buy an axe.
We all have our pet causes.
According to the Chinese zodiac, it’s the year of the dog, or “who’s a good year?!”
I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.
How about a child exchange programme where if your kid is being annoying you can just swap them with someone else’s vodka?
INVENTOR: behold the umbrella! it protects only your head & chest from rain
CEO: wow
I: so fragile it cannot withstand any wind
C: i love it
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
*First guy to make bunk beds
Hey Jim, you wanna sleep on top of me but not like on top, on top
The Rainforest Cafe isn’t realistic enough for me. Part of the restaurant should burn down by the time you finish your meal.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Thanks for a lovely evening, I had a great time. Sure, I’ll come in for a coffee. You have a lovely apartmeMY GOD that is a lot of Swastikas
I almost choken on food and the whole time it was happening I was just thinking “What a cliche way for a fat person to die of”
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
It’s an epidemic…
ME: Say “Anagrams are stupid” one more time & I will rearrange your face.
YOU: Anagrams are stupid.
ME: You farce.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on