*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
You Might Also Like
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’m at that age where I keep swatting in the air around my head trying to kill the buzzing mosquito, but realizing it’s just my deviated septum..
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
HULK WANT LOAN
Bank: We can’t loan to people like you.
GREEN PEOPLE??
*flips table into moon*Bank: People owing 2.6B in property damage.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Me: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
H: You do realize I’m your husband, right?
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
excel: is that a date?
me: 57.39 is very much not a date
excel: strong date vibes to me
me: h-how
excel: fixed it
me: 57/39/2020?
excel: you’re welcome
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Probably the worst sound to hear is a crying baby because best case scenario there’s a baby in distress near you but if there isn’t then you’re about to face horrors beyond compare.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’
Lois: Why can’t I find a boyfriend like you?
Superman: What about that Clark fellow? He seems cool
Lois: Who? Speccy McSpecface?
Superman:
Lois: Are you crying?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…