“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
You know how sailors used to get scurvy from not eating citrus fruit/vitamin C? Well if there’s a disease that one gets from eating cheesecake I’m going to have it by Friday around noon.
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?