I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
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7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
I don’t know who needs to hear this but that curb never did anything to you
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Noam Chomsky is a crazy name like you sound hungry as f***
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
me: wheres the 13th floor?
builder: we skip it in all our buildings
me: what why
builder:
me:
builder: *embarrassed* too spooky
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
grandmas are always like “not enough meat on your bones” the only reasonable explanation being that at a certain age every grandma starts giving serious thought to cooking her family and eating them
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
no one ever comes back
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
Listen, you should really give your mother a call. She’s concerned that “the haters” in her Zumba class are organizing and gaining power.
saying “eat the rich”
-depressing
-been done
-makes people think you’re a cannibalsaying “ok boomer”
-fresh
-new
-hurtful to a generation that ruined the planet and economy