*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
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[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
*stationary for 7 hours*
Me: “Actually, I’m not sure this is one of those driverless cars.”
Him: It’s pretty loud, do you maybe want to get out of here?
Me: Oh my god. Yes, absolutely [grabbing my coat and standing up] ok bye have a nice night
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”
Later…
“All I want for Christmas is you.”
EXACTLY WHAT DOES THAT DO FOR MY SELF-CONFIDENCE, MARIAH.
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
NEIGHBOR: That’s the best haunted house I’ve seen. Terrifying Halloween decorations!
ME: [scattering body parts in the yard] Halloween?
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’