*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
I have decided to boycott the Plague due to its poor customer service.
Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!
Me: *puts hands out*
Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?
Me: *blushing* guilty
Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME
Eric Clapton *fumbling with a gun*
Sheriff: I’ve a bad feeling about this
Deputy: I’m surprisingly calm
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Me: If you’re going to serve alcohol at a company party, then you shouldn’t act so surprised when someone speaks their mind.
HR: Get out
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.