me: righty tighty lefty loosey
frankenstein: stop
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Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
my doctor asked if it burns when I pee. I said only when it gets in my eyes.
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
COP: [flashes his light into my car]
ME: *struggles to roll down window* “Sorry this isn’t my car.”
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
Life is short. Take risks. Run with scissors. Dance with scissors like nobody’s watching. Stop waiting for tomorrow to do cool shit with scissors.
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
forget nudes: in 2019 we’re sending pics in our fanciest attire. gauzy floral skirts. ball gowns. the kind of fur coat worn by a wealthy lady who has been thrice-widowed and hasn’t seen her fourth husband in some time.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Always 🥴
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I’ll bet Charles Manson would’ve made one hell of a used car salesman. If he could talk a bunch of kids into murder, how hard could it be for him to get you into a 97 Camry?