[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
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I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
lumberjacks will cut a birch
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Maybe if wommen’s uteroids weren’t such powerful mystery-swamps, the GOP wouldn’t have to police them with #light & #K9 units.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I walked past a lady in her car with convertible down. She locked the door out of fear. So I smacked her in the back of the head & ran way
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
Elton John: 🎵Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday, Saturday🎵
Me: Jesus Christ, we’re just going bowling.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
It’s just a matter of time before they add the word “Syndrome” after my last name.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.