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if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
Once you’ve had a bug on you everything is a bug on you for the rest of the day.
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
This guy at the bar just said nobody gets off earth alive. And he and his buddies sat there for a second before the chick in the middle says “what about astronauts” and I love her
I want a pet otter just so I can introduce it as my otter half.
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
I like that movie where the lion roars at the very beginning.
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
Science memes
Cereal is basically dog food for humans.
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
Biden: I wonder if I’ll still get free ice cream when I’m no longer VP
Obama: Joe, we have bigger problems.
Biden:
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Now that we’re divorcing,
I’m definitely not finishing that scarf I’ve been knitting you for nine years