*caterpillar looks up at sky*
“My dream is to fly a plane one day.”
Other Caterpillar: You don’t pay any attention in science class, do you?
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Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If you’re like me, you woke up this morning with your vision MIRACULOUSLY CURED because you left your contacts in overnight.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
I am one who tells herself blueberry muffins are healthy because duh, there are blueberries. Also, guess what I got at Costco today? Yep.
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.