*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
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shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
oh you don’t want my dog to bark at you? then why would you stand calmly within a 2 mile radius of my house
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
I wish I were this cool 😂
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
[puppy farm]
PUPPY: Crops look good this year
I SHOULDN’T NEED TO BE A GODDAMN COMPUTER SCIENTIST TO SET THE CLOCK ON A COFFEE MAKER!!!
Oh, wait, never mind…I got it.
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting