Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
You Might Also Like
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
Plot twist: maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnut.
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?
5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.
Me:
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My wedding will be open casket.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
I started to cook breakfast and my 8yo hopped up to me and chirped, “I can make eggs.”
And then she did.
She made perfect scrabbled eggs.
How long has she been trolling me, sitting at the breakfast table pretending that she cannot even pour herself a drink?