Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
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How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
My husband put a few of his items in my luggage. I can’t believe after 31 years I am still dealing with this shit. It’s like he has no idea how selfish I am.
With the passing of Hugh Hefner, we must now turn the page on an American icon.
*Pages stick together
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Dispatch: 911 what’s your emergency
Me: I’m being held prisoner
Dispatch: Do they have weapons?
Me: Just nerf guns and toy swords
Dispatch: Umm ok
Me: They won’t stop eating my snacks
Dispatch: Ma’am, is it your children
Me: …….Maybe.
Dispatch: 5th one today
[Command Center]
*opens map*
*traces route*
*marks intercept point*
*drives*
*waits*
*target arrives
*tackles*Liquor Delivery Guy: Again?
me: *handing James Bond a mug of blended olives and vermouth* yeah I don’t know how to do either of those
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
me: time for some laundry 🙂
laundry machine: ok 🙂
me: ok time to dry 🙂
dryer: i’ve invented a new knot. it transcends humanity’s current understanding of geometry. and i am testing it for the first time on your sheets
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
My Alexa only responds when I’m shouting.
Welcome to the family, Alexa.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I wish Bill Clinton would stop pointing his finger at everyone, Lord knows where that finger has been. #DNC #DirtyPoonTang
They laughed when I said I was going to be a comedian.
Well, they’re not laughing now.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.