[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
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My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
mood
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
I shot a man in Reno,
Just to watch him cry.It was just a Nerf gun you big baby!
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I contain multitudes, Elizabeth
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Easiest way to make friends? Craigslist
Hardest way? Hmm probably putting your chin on a stranger’s shoulder from behind them at an Arby’s
Nobody:
Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.