Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
I don’t wanna start the year with any negativity so if you and I have had issues in the past, apologise to me immediately.
Interviewer: Says here you train monkeys to read and talk
Me: Yes and you’re doing great *gives him a raisin*
[three days after inventing phone]
*rrrrrriiiiiiiiinnggggg*
Alexander Graham Bell: oh ffs
I tried to spell perseverance but I gave up in the end
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Them: Awwww, congrats! Are you about 6 months along?
Me: Nah, just ate a burrito supreme.
Them: I THINK IT’S TWINS!!!
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
what’s really going on
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
TV meteorologist: “And now it’s time for the extended forecast (clears throat) foooooorrrrrrecaaaaaaaassssssst”
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
It’s so strange, my 5 yr old is only “starving to death” when he hears the word “bedtime”
What a random, consistent, coincidence
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
restaurants: hey kid. wanna color in some trees? a castle? some animals? grassy hills? here’s a blue and a red crayon.
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good