Cathy on FB is “feeling annoyed” and is asking why people even own cell phones if they’re not gonna answer.
Can I tell her? Pleeease.
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Let’s talk about my ability to hold a grudge. Back in ’78, a friend of mine bought me an album by The Rolling Stones, but she opened it and recorded it first. To this day, I refer to her as “Kathy, you know, the one that opened that album…”
We’ve all heard the peanut butter debate, but what about mayo? Smooth or Crunchy?
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
If all of the pizza cutters are dirty then 1 whole pizza counts as 1 serving
*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall
*adds work phone number
*Gets excited about work today
“Your mission… Should you chose to accept it…”
*Go to a bar you Hate
*Put $50 in the Jukebox
*Play nothing but Nickelback
*Leave
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
When in a heated disagreement with someone, always try to be the bigger person. That way, you can intimidate the other person with your height.
I pet my dog and he didn’t wag his tail. Is he seeing someone else? Is the magic gone? Do we need to spice things up? I’ll dress like a cat.
Me: I would like this urn
Clerk: of course, sir. Who is it for?
Me: my wife
Clerk: oh, I’m so sorry
[later]
Wife: no I do not like my Christmas present
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Is this a threat?
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!