Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
When you realize Green Day predicted 85% of all Twitter content back in 1994 with the song Basket Case.
cats have two bladders: a normal one and an emergency one only for use right after you change their litter box
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
If you want to keep your kids out of your phone, you have to think of a creative password they will never ever guess, like your birthday.
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Cats are not as loyal as dogs are. But at least they won’t tell the police where the bodies are….
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
1-year-old: *screeches*
3-year-old: *screeches back*
Me: What’s wrong?
3: We’re dinosaurs
I had to ban pterodactyls fights in the house.
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Breaking news:
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
My 3 year old had a tantrum earlier and afterwards he apologized for yelling at me. When I started to hug him, he said ‘if you just did what I wanted I wouldn’t get mad.’
Same, kid. Same.
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?