Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
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God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“Did you ever try my hot salty water?” – Inventor of soup
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
subtitles are so good nowadays
marvel comics have peaked
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
A spider crawling along the wall suddenly fell off and kept crawling on the floor like it wasn’t a big deal, so I said out loud, “I saw that.”
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
How many times in your marriage have you ever answered a question with a question?
Wives – 3
Men – What?
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Don’t tell me I’m not spontaneous. I didn’t plan that nap at all.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
her: is there a venomous snake loose somewhere in our house?
him: [releasing a mongoose into the air ducts] don’t be ridiculous
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’