Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
[alarm clock buzzing]
BIRD: [groaning] ah man it’s too early
GOTH WORM: *bangs on window* Wake up you lazy sack of shit and eat my flesh
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
[wedding reception]
DAVE IS HAVIN A SEIZURE
Paramedic: How long has he been having convulsions?
IDK HE’S WHITE, I THOUGHT HE WAS DANCING
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.