Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
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1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
No selfies while hijacking a train.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Bay: come over
Me: no, I’m watching TMNT
Bay: I made one too
Me: but it’s awful
Bay: come watch it
Me: who gave you my number, Michael
I’ve named my cat “Before” & my chihuahua “After.”
It works better if I introduce them wearing a lab coat and clipboard, giggling.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
As an adult, I’m most afraid when my children’s toys randomly make noise and nobody is in their rooms….
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
My childhood imaginary friends grew up to become groupies for my very successful air guitar trio.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.