Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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Are you eating Jell-O?
Cow: “Yeah.”
You know what gelatin is made from, right?
Cow: “No, what?”
Uh. Rainbows. Enjoy, buddy.
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
remember if you want to send me flowers today my favorite kind are mushroom pizza
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I’d have to stay away from carbs
So I’ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
I’ve got so much respect for Jack White calling his song “seven nation army”, mentioning the seven nation army in the first line and then never saying another thing about them
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
I hope they boil the right one.
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
oh you wanna fight?!
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer