Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Please don’t leave me to my own devices. They’re all out of batteries
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Just so funny
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
My doctor told me I’ve been using Q-tips incorrectly. At least I think that’s what she told me. I couldn’t really hear her that well.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
“Gotta wake up early”
*sets alarm for 5am*
*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*
*goes back to sleep*
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
[dark alley]
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”
Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: I turn everyone into a character from the movie Grease
professor x: tell me more, tell me more
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
” I gotta see this guys best tweet,
I’ll gift him Favstar Pro”.Said no one ever.