@TheRealJackDee: Cats are just dogs who've been to drama school.
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@Shock_Monster: If I could go back in time & change any event that would alter the course of history: I probably wouldn't have super sized that fry order.
@DaddyJew: Sneaking up on me from behind while I'm doing dishes is a super fun way to get yourself stabbed with a steak knife
@JohnLyonTweets: Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
@PetrickSara: If you haven't woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.