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@TheRealJackDee: Cats are just dogs who've been to drama school.
@badAzz_mom: You're not allowed to say "long story short" after talking for 30 minutes.
@Cpin42: Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
@ella__fraser: Men that know the difference between moist and wet, know the difference between failure and success
@fixyourcompass: My wife is leaving me because of my obsession with 'Star Wars'.
I said: May divorce be with you...
@BlindChow: The remote isn't working! And the TV's stuck on Food Network again!
"Are you in the kitchen?"
"Honey, that's the microwave."