[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
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i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
We’re having lobsters for dinner .
Update – we have pet lobsters now
If it wasn’t for google photos I wouldn’t be reminded my husband has been wearing the same 3 shirts in rotation for 15 years.
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Santa keeps a pair of mounted antlers over his fireplace to keep the reindeer from unionizing.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
Just wait. All of the Presidents will be on sale tomorrow
Elon literally had the chance to name his kid Melon Musk and he blew it.
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
You see some crazy stuff when you’re out late at night smearing raccoon blood on your neighbours windows.
It’s like the police helicopter that’s been circling my neighborhood for an hour doesn’t even care about us unemployed people trying to watch TV.
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.