@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
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@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I just love a man who's not afraid to be honest. ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
@Alex_N_Chains: Clean tweeting is liberating. You don't need profanity to make a point. Look: Tell her she has beautiful eyes. Female dogs love that poopy.
@PoliUncorrect: Interviewer: we need someone experienced, this job will break you... Worm: (slowly breaks itself in two while maintaining eye contact)