@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
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@Ygrene: Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
@Super_Cynthia: I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
@kimwilliamz: When somebody I blocked gets RT'd into my timeline it's like they're violating their restraining order.