@ScottLinnen: Cats are just fuzzy houseplants that hate you.
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@SaraMansford: Date: Do u have any allergies? Me: I'm allergic to raisins. They make me cry D: That's an unusual reaction M: They could've been wine!!
@rickolantern: Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE I'm putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
@ayyyyloser: Interviewer: Give me an example of something you took with you from your last job Me: Toilet paper