Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
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Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
*chad kroeger walks through metal detector at airport*
TSA agent: I’ve never seen this low of a reading
Social distancing in Australia:
You need subtitles.
Me to every 2yr old.
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Does this dress make me look cat?
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
My teenaged daughter just asked me how to spell U2.
Fingers crossed for that athletic scholarship.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.