*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
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*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
Just passing along this helpful tip I found 😏
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
🔦🌙👣
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
there are differences between normal surfing and crowd surfing for example when you crowd surf people get upset if you pee
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
“I’d have to say my two favorite things are sex, and not having my head bitten off.”
-soon to be disappointed praying mantis
Have you ever accidentally ended a business call with “I love you?” Oh yeah me neither.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Sometimes people disagree with you and they’re like: “Read a book!” But like…any book? They can’t ALL prove your point.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger