Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
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A News Reporter just described someone as “Healthy as a Bus”.
Yeah….I don’t know either.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
what
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
You: Where’s Carl?
Me: That fool done gone and lost his mind
You: Thats too bad. What’s for dinner?
Me: Funny you should ask
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
me: hey can i get some ground?
groundhog: you may not.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Xylophonist Shredding It
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
H: How’s your day?
M: Just about to wine down.
H: You mean wind?
M: nope
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
If I was the editor of Vogue, I’d just put an actual skeleton on the cover with the headline, “Feel bad yet? You should, Fatty.”
Me: Okay, now do one where I pretend to accept the award for best actress!!
Booking Police Officer: …
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
why are they building a Whole Foods over here? we’re regular people, we need Quarter Foods