That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
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Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
Mom’s out of town, so I suggested we get ice cream for dinner and the kids said no.
I’m totally failing parenting
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
My husband’s coming home from a trip, so I’m artfully placing dishes in the sink to look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for 5 days.
[my first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’d like a Jack and Coke
Me: Is Pepsi ok?
Customer: Sure
Me: One Pepsi and Coke coming right up
My 4yo just realized he could raise both his eyebrows at the same time
He now does it every time he makes eye contact with me and it looks like we are in cahoots orchestrating the most diabolical plan ever
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
God: take it
Satan: no you take it
God: no you take it
Satan: i dont want it
God: well its no good to me
Me: *kicks a pebble* i have a name
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
*takes out trash, finds trash can lid frozen shut*
*drops bag on ground because if any raccoon is desperate enough to be out in this cold he deserves all the trash he can get*
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.