I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
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If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
I’ll straight up call someone who’s making trouble a “rabble rouser”, and someone who’s rousing rabble a “troublemaker”. I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Everyone complains about the weather but noone’s sacrificing a virgin to change it either.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
therapist: if you don’t choose yourself, someone else will
me: agreed. i’ve decided to be a pterodactyl
therapist; that’s progress
me: haven’t tried flying yet
therapist: please don’t
me: you sound just like her
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.
me: Fantastick.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Who needs to watch the #SOTU when I can just read my TL? Here’s what I’ve learned so far: John Boehner is still orange.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.