I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
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Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
“If you build a lasagna, I will come.”
– Garfield of Dreams
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
Sad that Batman’s never seen a PG movie b/c he never had parental guidance
this will be the year i finally unclench my jaw
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
[confession booth]
me: *sneezes*
priest: I’m not falling for that one again dan
I’m literally typing this from atop a giraffe in Ghana. Her name is Coriander & we love each other.
Things I hate:
1. Hatred
2. Irony
3. Lists
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
My New Years resolution is to be more of an enabler, like yes girl text your ex
“Are you an adult?”
Yeah, but not like on purpose or anything
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
My upstairs neighbours are absolutely nailing their blacksmithing class.
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus