cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
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Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: Of course
W: Oh yeah, what did I say?
M: [smoke bomb]
W: I can still see you
M: [Another smoke bomb]
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that
[me at the end of any horror movie] How do they explain all of this to the authorities?
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
this FaceApp is creepy af
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
Candy cigarettes really use to be a thing and we really bought them and walked around like we were smokers at the tender age of 6.
ER Dr: What are you doing?
Me: I’m decorating.
ER Dr: Why?
Me: According to my bill I live here now.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My therapist told me he doesn’t eat bacon or drink coffee, I told him he’s the one that needs a psychologist.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
*hot girl puts a cherry stem in her mouth*
*twists it around with her tongue*
*pulls it out*
*it spells “I LIKE YOU AS A FRIEND”*