@IamEnidColeslaw: cats are the best because you can pet one while you're talking to someone and look totally evil
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@KalvinMacleod: HER: I’m leaving you ME: Is it because I’m too literal? HER: no it's just we're not working out ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
@cornlog: So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore's 150th birthday.
@papasuncle: I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving. I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.