Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
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I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
My hot friend: I’ve been alternating CrossFit, yoga and running.
Me: I hear you. I have a mild cough so my abs have been sore for two days.
13yo finally got a ps5, so I only expect to see him at mealtimes or holidays until his 14th birthday
My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)
Just called to make an appointment with a psychic but she told me that I don’t show up.
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Am I the only one who gives people in my neighborhood names they don’t know they have? a.k.a. “Running Man”,”Mustang Bob”, “Blue truck dude”
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?
[car accident]
Other driver: YOU TURNED INTO ME!
Me: *looking at hands* like Freaky Friday?
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
My husband bought me jewelry for Valentine’s day. He doesn’t know it yet, but that was still nice of him.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.