My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
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Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it…wait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
I sprayed FeBreeze on the recliner and now my dog won’t talk to me.
I hate when someone you love says mean things like, “It’s time to wake up.”
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
defendant: *into mic* um can I say something?
defense attorney: NO!
judge: NO!
ghost of dead lawyer: NO!
random stranger: NO!
defendant’s family in courtroom: NO!
prosecutor: YES!!
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?