Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
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I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
We wouldn’t really have any national debt in this country if strippers would just pay their damn income taxes.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: thank god, I thought you were going to kill me
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
Never eat ice cream while chatting online. Sister: why are you typing so slowly Me: well my other hands busy. She hasnt replied yet.
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
when you are just born a rebel
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
I still wear a mask because I no longer remember how to control my facial expressions in public.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
Coffee for people with no kids
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
#gardening
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
sistine chapel
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.