Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
I just overheard my son say to his friend, “Don’t worry, my mom will never notice.” So I had Alexa make an announcement that said, “Mom already knows!” just to mess with them.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Her: Do you love me?
Me: *changes subject*
Her: Did you just say *changes subject*?
My stalker just threatened to kill herself if I can’t love her back. It’s nice when problems resolve themselves.
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Nothing is more terrifying than your wife walking into a room you were just in and yelling “Can you come here for a minute please?”
Me: I got a new car!
Him: What kind of mileage does it get? What’s the horsepower? How long is the powertrain warranty?
Me: It’s red.
I eat my chips like any normal person, waiting to get to the perfect chip before I stop.
*crunch*
too salty*crunch*
this one is broken*crunch*
that one was perfect but I’m still hungry*crunch*
not salty enough*crunch*
broken again
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked